I’m not sure how to do this. How to write about a year that has so freshly ended. I feel like I’m waking up from a dream. My eyes open to a foggy room-I wash the dust from my eyes, eat a few bites of breakfast.
That wasn’t so bad!
March 3rd 2020, I bring my two dear friends Ava and Alexa to my endocrinologist’s office. I am red in the face and dizzy from a kiss goodbye to parties that I didn’t know I was saying goodbye to.
It’s slow and fast. It’s deep and shallow. It’s soft and hard. It’s Hairy and bald. It’s Thinner and thicker. All of these spinning oppositions fighting each other until they slowly streamline into a peaceful shape. Like something divine choreographed them on a grand stage.
Each week of me injecting oily synthetic lab-made testosterone into my stomach- I learn a new lesson.
These are the three that ring the loudest:
1.) Comparing yourself to others (including the old lives you have lived) is the first step in playing a game you can never win
2.) Play in the slow times
3.) Nourish the difficult parts
I have learned to finally give myself permission to feel grace. I have learned to not find comfort in my anxieties- it’s simply unsustainable and I plan on living a big, long life.
I have made many deep connections and friendships in the past year that have helped me in transition. One of these friends is Ryan Chard Smith. Ryan reached out to me on Instagram at the beginning of the pandemic in March of 2020. We became good friends and decided to collaborate on a project called Ryan Meets Ryan. I consider it an honor to transition at the same time as the rest of the world. It started with facetime photo shoots and then finally meeting in person in San Francisco. These photos are precious to me:
There is so much I want to say here. There is so much I need to write. I’m not done, and I likely won’t be done for a long time. But isn’t that the fun part? The doing? The making?
Cheers to one miraculous year of giving birth to myself. Cheers to a world that stays curious about what comes next in this chapter of human life. Cheers to making. Now let’s have a tea party!